I think this version is much more believable. I think a kid that gets rejected so many times is probably going to have thoughts about suicide compared to what you had in your first draft. It's powerful and shocking but if done right, I think you can get people to pay attention. I think to make this stronger you need to show maybe another example of him getting excluded. He could be doing something else like just hanging out at recess. He could be off to himself with no one around him. I'm still wondering though if excluding is the right term to use for this. I'm just not sure if kids would get that right away. That's not a word that kids use too often. Can you come up with something else that kids can relate better to? It would change your message around a little but I think it would help to make a better connection. Try and think about that for a bit. Your script and shot list will probably need to change too. I'm going to give this a 4 out of 4 possible points but I really want you to think about using a different word instead of exclude. I get it but like I said, I'd like to be sure that the kids get it because that's who your audience is.
I am in 7th grade in my school's Advanced Media class. I love this class and I have been having lots of fun in it. This past year we went to Florida, where STN was held. Next year it will be in San Diego, California.